I have a lot of opinions about football. Over the years I have been shocked to see how many females do not have an opinion, or even worse a flawed one. Little girls should be taught about football positions by preschool, as it is a real life survival skill. To simplify matters as much as possible, I will start with the Girls’ Guide to Football Positions, dating edition. It is numbered for quick and easy reference (you can thank me later).
1) Quarterbacks are sexy. Yes, everyone loves the boy throwing the ball. #1 dating choice.
2) Running backs are strong and cool. No one will begrudge you that, a solid dating choice. Just make sure he’s a real one (hint- he may not even know)
3) If you can’t date a Quarterback or a running back, a wide out is socially acceptable, a good strong choice albeit a flashy one. Also see cornerbacks.
4) Linebackers and kickoff team specialists are mean. They look really good on and off the field, but you should be wary of dating them. And never ever look them directly in the eyes, they take that as a challenge.
5) Tight Ends, Centers, Offensive Line …they are like the stage crew for the play. They are very important and if they do their job well you don’t notice them much. The unsung heroes of football, truly.
6) The defensive line can make and break a game. Their job is to make you notice the offensive line, or lack thereof.
7) And then there’s special teams. They are for underclassmen to date.
I think this sums up what girls should be taught about football positions, cliff notes style. Interestingly enough, what they don’t teach you about football positions is that sometimes it is best to ignore all of the above rankings and rules.
Quarterbacks
I dated a quarterback in high school when we were sophomores. We had a fabulous time all summer. As soon as two a days started, he broke up with me. Apparently the coaches told him he “Didn’t need any distractions” and upperclassmen told him “He would have lots of options if he didn’t have a girlfriend.” Sheesh. Round 1 to the quarterback.
We had another go summer after our senior year. We weren’t really a couple, but dated casually. I am not sure why I did it, but for some unknown reason I totally stood him up for a big festival and dance that June. I think I told him I couldn’t go, did I say I was sick? I can’t remember. What I do remember is that I went to the festival with another guy and all the quarterback’s friends saw me there. Thankfully this was before cell phones, so he didn’t find out until the next day. Round two to me.
While I was a freshman in college I ran into an SEC quarterback in a club in Fayetteville. He was an amazing physical presence, as all SEC quarterbacks are. This one went on to win the Heisman trophy. I spent about an hour with him at a cozy table and on the dance floor that night and I found him to be very smart and funny. We exchanged numbers but just didn’t click. You know he is still not married, but is a fascinating and sought out public speaker after spending 6 years in the NFL. Round three, a draw.
I say all of this to point out that quarterbacks have a lot of people in their heads all the time. Coaches, trainers, other players, and all of these people are telling them what they should and shouldn’t do. This includes their dating life. Point in fact- Tom Brady. How many of us heard about Giselle lashing out at his receivers for not catching the ball in the Super Bowl? Well, all of us because every major news outlet called on Tom to put her in check and forbid her from speaking about football ever again. Yes, you will deal with crud like this if you date a quarterback, but if they look like Tom maybe you won’t care.
Running backs
I was set up with a running back in college. He lived in the athletic dorm and I had seen him around. He was touted as an underclassman that was not receiving much playing time, but dark haired and blue eyed and gorgeous, OK? Come to find out he was a scholarship baseball player that had walked on to the football team, but did not receive a scholarship so he went back to baseball.
You see, in my experience this is what you are dealing with in running backs. Either they are or they aren’t but they just want you think they are. They are so confusing sometimes it’s best not to try. Their heads are so wrapped around the rules from above (yes, guys know which the best dating football positions are) so they just can’t let it go. If you can find a real running back, it is a little something like finding a real man’s man. They are highly valued and few and far between. IF you find one, keep him.
Back to Toby, I tried to work through it. I thought maybe he would eventually be a little more than a baseball player. After all, he spent lots of time in the gym. I went out with him a couple times but just could not forget (no matter how awesome his eyes were, no matter how much he looked like a running back) that he was trying just a little too hard to be one. So I ended it. Round 4? I am too confused to call.
Receivers
Since I did dedicate a lot of my dating time in the quarterback category, I never worked my way down to the receivers. I do love their flair and am not sure why it never happened. I still adamantly maintain that a wide out (even a cornerback which is not necessarily a receiver but most men would understand why I would place them in this category) would be an excellent choice to date as long as you don’t mind them having as many styling products and as much jewelry as you do. These guys spend lots of time in front of the mirror. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, because they are tall and spend a lot of time in the weight room too. They have great smiles and your Mama will love them. Daddy may be a bit on the apprehensive side. I think that is part of what gives them extra points ;)
Linebackers and Kickoff team specialists
These guys are pure unadulterated testosterone. They are not the guys whose mothers taught them how to open doors for ladies or to turn the other cheek when someone says something they do not like. If born in another time they would be gladiators. Most are nothing more than one man wrecking crews that see little if anything but their target. They like playstation and whiskey. They love the gym and hitting things hard. They love their boys. This is generally not a situation you can win, and it is best to proceed with extreme caution if you just can’t help yourself and were dumb enough to look one of them in the eyes. Try to mentally prepare yourself for a very near future involving ice cream, sad songs, and long conversations with girlfriends about why all men are jerks.
Tight Ends, Centers, Offensive Linemen
These are the guys whose job is to learn all of the plays for the other guys. I know you’re thinking that they should all know all the plays. Well, yes they should, but come on what world are you living in? Offensive linemen salaries rank third highest in the NFL, just behind quarterbacks and defensive ends. They are paid for their brawn and mostly for their brains. They are dependable on and off the field and would be probably the best dating choice out there if young women knew what experienced women did. If it weren’t for the flair of the wide outs, the physicality of the linebackers and the prestige of the ‘backs, maybe the younger girls wouldn’t get distracted away from the good guys. These are the guys to marry if you figure it out before it’s too late and they’re already taken.
Defensive Line
These guys are again, kinda mean. It is their job to hit and break through the offensive line, whose job it is to hold and protect their Quarterback. Where the offensive side is just and heroic, the defensive side is… well, they are just villainous marauders. Intent on securing and hurting their targets, putting an end to any valid course towards the goal line, this is what they do. The guys who played for New Orleans and were paid bounties? You guessed it, they were defensive linemen. You can imagine how successful a foray into dating one of these individuals would be. Look forward to a future where you learn about your ended relationship through his status on facebook.
Special Teams
Last but not least, special teams. There are many who disagree with my assertion that special teams are for rookies and underclassmen to date. Many would point to the end of the year footage of greatest plays of the year (any year) and all the 90+ yard t-down returns made by these guys. Yes, they are talented and not only on special teams because they are waiting to move up to another position on offense or defense. Having said this, most of the highlight film players also double as a receiver or cornerback and we have already covered their dating desirability above. As for the others- well ladies my advice is to start with them and then move your way up to another position as it becomes available. Don’t worry about it- they will most likely do the same thing and maybe you will be going out with him again… but as a cornerback next time.
Best of luck to my lady friends and until next time, Go Hogs!
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